Jalapeño Bacon Corny Cakes

Today I sit in my apartment in January 2021. These corny cakes were made in January 2019. Absolutely nothing noteworthy has happened in the world during this two year span, which is why I find myself sitting in isolation on MLK day watching a documentary about near death experiences instead of paragliding in Costa Rica or some shit.

A week or so ago, I received a notice from Name Cheap that this domain would auto-renew and when I didn’t receive a confirmation, I logged into my account to be reminded that the debit card I had set for auto-renew was canceled due to fraud detection in which my bank caught some Jabroni trying to buy escorts in California (these are verified facts). This plucky little site had gone dark, which is a crime; but one that has been rectified. All this to say, logging in has gotten the syrup flowing again.

I can’t think of a better time to post pictures of old pancakes on an old blog that had to be resurrected from a parked domain on a WordPress platform that had been so neglected, I had to install the latest version via FTP. What good did come of it was the switch to the native 2021 theme, which allowed me to set the background to this neon pistachio coolie jam. Really hoping to make some cake pics pop here.

What I do remember of these pancakes is all positive. The recipe was adapted from a handful that were found online, because everyone has their own damn iteration. Why not one more. My partner Bria and I had made them before and decided to have another pancake meet up with our friend Thomas and then fuck off for two years before mentioning them again.

Truth be told, the details and complex nuance of these corny cakes almost entirely escapes me. I went to Thomas’ house with Bria, I was inside his apartment and then we made them and we left. There is a to-go coffee cup on a table in a picture, so I had coffee. I vaguely remember eating Anthony Bourdain’s chili at another friend’s place while watching NFL playoffs that evening. That’s it. That’s all I remember.

It’s almost as if so much nothing has happened in the last two years that my brain has chosen to blur these memories forever out of sheer boredom and lack of daily existential dread.

Here’s the deal. There’s corn meal, that you make into corny “pudding” to set side. Then you put some kerneled corn, scallion and diced bacon into a pan with some oil and fry it up real nice. Take the veggie / porky medley out of the pan and set aside. Lay some corny pudding into your flavor-drenched pan and let it firm up a bit before embedding some of your veggie / porky medley into your matured corny cakes. Mush ’em in a bit and make sure they stick before giving them a good flip.

Stare at them while they fry, take pictures of them while standing on a stool and wonder what brilliance your future holds as a bright rising star in the amateur pancake world. Take them off the heat when they’re nice and browned. Put them on a plate. Top with shredded cheddar and then drizzle with honey. Yes, you read that right; just blew your tits off with a honey drizzle.

Eat them. Disappear for two years. Write a post about them that has no valuable content and post it so you can write about the new pancakes you made yesterday, in the future.